Self-Acceptance

I have always been able to love others.  The problem was, I didn’t love myself.  I gave others in my life the love that I so desperately needed. 

I’ve always been a caring person – and generous.  I sacrificed my own needs, my own wants for other people because I always put others before myself.  I wanted to make them happy, take away their pain.  But it was my pain that needed aid.

It made me happy to be of help to other people – but what I did not realize at the time was  that by helping them in ways that they should have been able to do on their own, I was actually ENABELING them to remain where they were – always expecting me to come through when they needed something – and I did.

But, as is the case with people who give a lot, I got used, and taken advantage of so many times – ending up financially and emotionally bankrupt, and full of resentment – all of which I took out on myself.

Self-destruction – and I know it well.

When I hated myself, I tried to find self-acceptance through other people – yet, in the end I still hated myself.

Now, I can be loving to myself.  I value who I am – I have purpose, value.  I know my own worth.  I can respect the woman that I am, and make choices that will reflect the respect I have for myself.  I take care of my body – yet I know that it does not equate to my identity – it is where I currently reside.

I treat others as I would myself – I am honest, as I no longer have any secrets – I have nothing to hide.

I am a good mother, and am an example of what kind of women my girls strive to be.  I no longer have dead-beat boyfriends – or men in my life who do not respect  me, as I know my own worth – I no longer dress trashy as I now see that I did, as that is not an accurate representation of WHO I am – I don’t need attention from others to feel better about myself, and am proud to be me.

I make positive healthy choice that support who I am and what I want to accomplish with my life – and not based on what others would like for me.  I KNOW what I want, and WHO I am.

I am not afraid to get close to people, as I once was – because I can be true to them about myself, and open – without shame or fear – I am not pretending to be someone that I am not.

'True Love'

I love you. 

I love you  more each hour, each minute, each second…and the more I love you, the more I love myself, for you are a part of me..

We are united in the Sprit of the One True and everlasting God. 

I love you as God does.  Unconditionally…with all your strengths and all your weaknesses, because I know that your heart is pure.  

 I will always love you, and  I promise that I will be a true friend.  I will support you in being true to yourself.  I will challenge you to be better, stronger, wiser…I will be faithful and loyal in all the days of my life, and I will give my love to you freely, without exception. 

I will respect you and honor you as I would myself.   And if you betray me in any way,  I will still love you. 

 I will not seek revenge,  I will not turn my back..but I will try to help you …because when you betray me, you betray yourself. 

My love comes from the source of life…it was given to me to give to you, and I thank you for opening your heart, and letting me in.  In loving you, I am alive.

Hairy Airmpits

I haven’t shaved my armpits in two weeks.  This is a first for me, and I can assure you NOT my choice.

It is the result of having been in jail.  Yes, me, ‘Spirit’, in JAIL.  You see, I have a past, and although I am not so proud of it, I am an adult woman…and adults take responsibility for their actions.

I have written about my personal struggles and victories over many obstacles – and the ways in which I hid from my problems – hidden pains and torments I shared with no one.  Most of this I took out on myself, but not all.

I stole money from an employer, and although I knew it was wrong, the need to feel better (have money, buy clothes, treat my friends) overcame my knowledge of right and wrong, and it became an addiction.

I got in way over my head, and in the end, the guilt and shame tore me apart.  I turned myself in, and have suffered the consequences ever since.

I lost my job, and refinanced my home to pay the money back.  I lost my home, because I could no longer afford to keep it. 

The state of Washington filed criminal charges against me for Theft I, and Identity Theft I.  A Class A Felony.

I plead guilty and was sentenced to 1 year home detention.  I got lucky, and I believe the judge saw that I have made a sincere effort to improve myself, and am truly remorseful for my actions.

Being able to be at home with my children in a gift of which I am very thankful.  Being on home detention is an experience in and of itself.  I wear an ankle bracelet that sends a message to a receiver and I am monitored 24/7.  I am allowed out only at certain times, and only for certain things.  I can go grocery shopping, to the doctor etc. but have to remain in my home for the rest of the time.  But again, it IS a blessing, as I can continue to provide for my daughters their stability and home life with me, as a mother should.

Three weeks ago, I made a HUGE mistake.  I am allowed out from 3-5 pm to do laundry on Thursdays.  I got my days mixed up, and accidentally too my ‘pass’ on a Friday.

My supervisor was out of town until Tuesday and that morning he called me and said I had violated my house arrest and was being sent back to jail.  I had two hours to report in.  No choice.  It was considered ‘escape’.

I was told that I would see the judge on Friday – and I went in to jail on Tuesday – so I expected to be in jail for 4 days.

In the end, I was lucky to get out at all.  I did not see the judge until the next Friday – and was not released until today – two weeks later, and again, am lucky to have been released at all.  Escape charges are very serious, and I could have been given addition time served, or made to complete my sentence in work release – in a separate facility away from my children.

All because I made a very innocent and unintentional mistake – and I was only gone for a little over an hour.  I broke the rules, and suffered the consequences.

My definition of JAIL:   “The revelation of one’s’ true spiritual condition”

Jail is hell.  No way around it.  It is demeaning, and an all around horrible experience – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  They treat you like a caged animal.  Everything sucks.  The food is horrible, the women are rough, corroded by life, and most either drug addicts or prostitutes – and a few DUI’s.  It is boredom to an extreme and believe me when I say having 16 women in a cage 24/7 is crazy in itself – hormones everywhere, and attitudes abundant. 

But, for me, it was an exercise in submission of will.  In jail, you have no control over anything, and are completely powerless over the course of events – and at any given moment, things can change.  Once you are in, you are completely at the mercy at the system.  You have no rights as an inmate – and no freedom.  You are trapped within the cement walls with only time.

For me – I was put face to face with all my worst fears.  The first four days were the worst because I was worried about my kids.  I was worried about having to go so suddenly – Facebook friends and emails not returned – having no idea what was going on in the outside world…  anger at myself for making such a stupid mistake – yet not being able to fix it.  Not being able to see my kids for an unknown amount of time – feeling like I failed them and worried about anything and everything that might happen to them.  The inability to distract myself from my emotional distress.

Anxiety of the worst kind. 

I could do nothing – and felt helpless. 

And then, I had a breakthrough.  I decided to pray, and put my trust in God.  I let go of all my worries, and accepted where I was.

I realized that this was actually quite an opportunity for me to grow not only spiritually, but emotionally as well.  It’s like life.  We are taught to have faith, to trust in God and live our lives accordingly.  Yet, I find that in the ‘real’ world, I am constantly trying to control everything, and when that control is taken away, I am left paralyzed by fear. 

But once I was able to trust, the fear disappeared, and I was able to stay present and deal with my current situation.

I also realized how much I take for granted.  Perspective. 

It’s like the question “What would you do if you only had a week to live?”  Knowing that at any given time, I could lose everything that is valuable to me; make me realize what is truly important in my life and how much time I spend on mundane meaningless things.

What do I value?  Who are the meaningful people in my life?  AM I spending enough time with my girls? 

Jail also takes away the physical aspects of life.  No makeup, a red uniform that in not body revealing.  No choice in what you eat.  No mirrors, no razors.

You are left only with yourself – WHO you are.

I feel like I’ve had a near death experience – AGAIN, and I realize how little I truly know, and how much I have to learn.

With each day, the hair under my arms became a symbol of my primitive nature.  The raw unkempt condition of my body – so different than I have ever seen it, or would want to, and I became one with my spirit, that which lives within my body – that which would get me through to the end.

I am so grateful for this experience – and feel as if God was trying to teach me a lesson.  Be still, and trust in the Lord, for in the end, He is all we have, and there is no life without Him.

I spent an hour in the shower today shaving…

But I’ll keep this experience with me forever.

The secret to happiness

It's really quite simple.

Be GRATEFUL for everything you have in this moment.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and do find it to be a way of life for me.  When I am grateful - and I have a lot to be grateful for - I find I am in a more positive frame of mind, and therefore, feel happy.  The wants and 'needs' have less power, and I am content.

There is always something to be thankful for.

Demons

Funny How I’ve been to Church my whole life – yet haven’t ever been able to comprehend – really – the meaning of the services – and see the true beauty of the hymns and prayers.

So many references to demons – prayers toward them off and asking for God’s mercy –

What is a demon – I know them well – and have fought them all my life.

I’ve felt at times as if I was being attacked from every direction.  So many times, I fell for the deception – lured by false promises of love and happiness – all I’ve ever wanted, and needed so badly.

A demon is anything that takes me away from being myself – being true to MY values.  I’ve always instinctively known who I am – and those times when I haven’t acted accordingly – when I didn’t follow my heart – when I have done wrong – stolen, lied, pretended to be someone I wasn’t – I suffered for it – because I wasn’t free – I was trapped by the temptations all around me – I chose to act and do otherwise – because I was starving, because I wasn’t solid - I wasn’t confident in who I am.

I doubted myself – I didn’t value or respect myself – still believing that I was bad – I did ‘bad’  things – as if I was proving to myself that I was bad.  Bad people bad things, they lie, cheat and steal – and that’s exactly what I did.

But I was cheating myself, lying to myself, and denying myself what in essence, I needed so badly, and the ironic thing is – I knew it all the time – I just chose not to see. 

Why would make such a choice – why would I choose to be miserable – to live in guilt, shame and self-denial? 

Because I was weak, because I was vulnerable and needy – desperate to fill a void within myself and frantically sought to fill it –

In all the wrong ways.

And I was lured and tempted by the demons of the world.  If it hadn’t been for my family, and the Church I was raised in, I would have been lost.  They were always there for me, even though I had shut them out, and when I was truly at my lowest point, it was them that guided me back to God.

What I needed, I have always had within me – in fact, and I have always been able to give it to others – just not myself.

Love

Unconditional love – it’s a beautiful thing

And the most beautiful thing is that it’s free for the taking – we are all spiritual beings living a human existence – born out of love – meant to live life reflecting the love that is our true spirit..  Godly love – pure and simple

Yet, being that we live in the world, we become tainted by worldly definitions – deceived by what we see in the world on a daily basis as to what love is – sex, physical beauty, drug and alcohol addiction – pleasure, fun..Attention to the physical that steers us away from our true selves – and then, we are left feeling empty, depleted, and shallow.

It is deception of the worst kind – and it is everywhere.

I realize now where I have been deceived – and I know now more than ever how vigilant I must be in taking care of MYSELF and sticking true to my values. 

It is a great gift that I have been given – to be able to see clearly what IS and ISN’T – what is REAL and what is deception, and I choose to take care of MYSELF – and the rewards I get in return are simply amazing.

I am alive – present, and full of life – love – true love – I am true to myself – being myself – no guilt, no shame

I am FREE

Loving Myself

I have always been able to love others.  The problem was, I didn’t love myself.  I gave others in my life the love that I so desperately needed. 

I’ve always been a caring person – and generous.  I sacrificed my own needs, my own wants for other people because I always put others before myself.  I wanted to make them happy, take away their pain.  But it was my pain that needed aid.

It made me happy to be of help to other people – but what I did not realize at the time was  that by helping them in ways that they should have been able to do on their own, I was actually ENABELING them to remain where they were – always expecting me to come through when they needed something – and I did.

But, as is the case with people who give a lot, I got used, and taken advantage of so many times – ending up financially and emotionally bankrupt, and full of resentment – all of which I took out on myself.

Self-destruction – and I know it well.

When I hated myself, I tried to find self-acceptance through other people – yet, in the end I still hated myself.

Now, I can be loving to myself.  I value who I am – I have purpose, value.  I know my own worth.  I can respect the woman that I am, and make choices that will reflect the respect I have for myself.  I take care of my body – yet I know that it does not equate to my identity – it is where I currently reside.

I treat others as I would myself – I am honest, as I no longer have any secrets – I have nothing to hide.

I am a good mother, and am an example of what kind of women my girls strive to be.  I no longer have dead-beat boyfriends – or men in my life who do not respect  me, as I am worth more – I no longer dress trashy as I now see that I did, as that is not an accurate representation of WHO I am – I don’t need attention from others to feel better about myself, and am proud to be me.

I make positive healthy choice that support who I am and what I want to accomplish with my life – and not based on what others would like for me.  I KNOW what I want, and WHO I am.

I am not afraid to get close to people, as I once was – because I can be true to them about myself, and open – without shame or fear – I am not pretending to be someone that I am not.

Spirit, my story

 I'll be 40 years old this year.

They say life Begins at forty, and for me, it couldn't be any more true.

I've spent most of my 39 years being miserable, full of shame, self-hatred, and living in hell. 

For nearly 10 years, I was anorexic/bulimic, in and out of nearly every eating disorders program throughout the United States, and even Canada.  My entire existence revolved around food - too much or too little.  I lost my teeth due to the acid from throwing up so much, and I am lucky even to have survived, without having a heart-attack from electrolyte imbalance, or pure starvation, or even intestinal damage from stuffing myself so full that I could not breathe.

I can remember days, where from the moment I woke up, all I did was binge and purge - spending upwards of $400/day on donuts, ice cream pizza cookies - anything I could get my hands on - yet it was never enough...only to throw it all up and immediately start binging all over again - and endless cycle on a daily basis.

During this time, I was diagnosed as being Manic Depressive, yet was never diligent about taking my medication.

I spent the next 10 years cutting my face - literally cutting holes in my cheeks thinking that there was something to get out - something bad - a root...and again, in the hospital several times, with gaping cuts - only to be told that because I had done so much damage, repair was impossible, because I had literally cut out my skin.  I have spent nearly $20,000 on plastic surgeons and doctors- telling them I was in a car accident - having surgical scar revisions, and when they told me they couldn't help me, I performed surgery on myself, ordering , sutures, scalpels and lidocain and needles online from Canada. I would numb myself and begin cutting away – then stitch up the wound.

The last major surgery I had, was called a 'flap revision' - in which they literally cut my face in half - cut out scar tissue, and put it back together.  I had over 100 stitches.  I was told by the surgeon that I was lucky because the scar tissue had started growing in towards my facial nerves - and I could have lost all facial movement. 

Nearly every day for the last 10 years, I have carried with me at all times nail clippers that I used to clip my skin, and have spent hours still picking at the remaining scars - trying to cut away the bad tissue.

Every spare moment I had, I would spend sitting in front of the bathroom mirror cutting away my skin - believing I was fixing something wrong with me.  Blood filled tissues filled the garbage, and empty tubes of Neosporin everywhere.

Today, I am free   I am free from the self-destructive behaviors of my past - not only free - but living a life full of love, peace and intense joy - just for being alive.

I have two beautiful daughters, whom have come out of this ordeal happy, healthy, and thus far unaffected having gotten their mom back - able to love and raise them as they deserve- family, faith, and a loving man of whom I can honestly say that has taught me the meaning of True Love - a fairy tale ending, that most only dream of.

I believe in miracles - because I am one, and I believe that I have something very powerful to share - in the hopes that others who suffer as I have - as so many do, will see that there is hope, that it DOES end - and that we are all not only worthy of happiness, but that we are meant to be - as we are created out of love, and love is our true spirit.

My spirit never gave up - my spirit got my through the toughest times of my life, because deep down, in the midst of it all - I never gave up - I got up every day, and tried again - no matter how miserable I was, how ugly I felt, how many band aids I had on my face - for the sake of my children, I went to work, grocery shopping – living a life that on the outside appeared very normal, but was torment for me on the inside….but I never gave up -

And now, I can see that it was worth it.  It is because I had Faith that I am here today, and it is my Faith that healed me.

I wouldn't take back one second of my life to be where I am today.  I MADE IT!!!

And, WOW, it is truly spectacular.  There have been times where I thought I knew - yet never did it come close to this feeling of complete and utter truth. 

It is an overwhelming sense of joy - so much more than I ever imagined possible - and the energy I feel - like a butterfly, which has just gotten wings - a hummingbird - flying joyously

I GET IT

I get the meaning of life - its beauty and wisdom overtakes me as I soar amongst the heavens.

I mourn for those who are without, for those still trapped in the torments of hell itself, mislead as I once was....as EVERYONE should know this universal truth.

It is a gift from the heavens that has been bestowed upon ME - and I feel called upon to share it.

My Story part 2

And then, God himself, in the midst of my despair, at my most desperate hour, swept in and pulled me from the fire, and just like that, In what seemed as if a single second, I UNDERSTOOD - my eyes opened, my heart full of love, my spirit risen, and the wisdom of the ages came flooding in.

And now, with all that has been given to me, I cannot go back.  And the future is bright, full of possibility.  I am empowered.  A loving force of nature itself, alive, sharing life, made from love itself, the virginal birth of life, out of love...the resurrection of spirit.

I have been dead, and now am alive.

I now can see why I fought so hard, why so many evil forces gripped me and pulled me back.

Because - this is glory, this is God's mercy on those who suffer.  This is LOVE, POWER, and TRUTH in itself, LIFE

And it is real.

Love overcomes all

NOTHING can touch it.

I have been given the greatest gift of all - life, and I wish to share mine with others.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  I believe God has a plan for each one of us, and I believe that a person’s life can and should be shared with others.  I want to tell my story - so that other may possibly benefit –

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse.  The memory of this tragedy remained trapped deep within my mind, although its presence was obvious all throughout my body, and in the events of my life. 

For nearly 40 years, I have suffered.  This memory has been trying to make itself known all along, but every time it came close to surfacing, I ran away from it, as far as I could run.  It was simply too frightening, utterly too painful and I wasn’t ready to face the truth.  I have hurt myself and others in my attempts to escape reality. 

Soon, reality became a series of destructive behaviors and relationships that provided temporary means of escape. 

It wasn’t until I stopped running, and took control of my own life, that it became known.  Then, because I was able to truly forgive, myself, and my perpetrator.  I have been rewarded the opportunity to live my life as it were meant to be.  I am alive, and have purpose.  For what reason does one suffer so much tragedy, if not to share my struggles with others, so that they also may have hope.  So that they also shall find redemption.  So that they too, will be freed from the grips of hell itself.

This gift that I have been given is meant for EVERYONE, and If I can help others see that, by example, the truly, I am grateful.

This is MY story, but it is one that I know many others share.

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For my daughters

A tribute to my daughters

This is a tribute to my two daughters, who loved me unconditionally when I could not love myself, and whose love for me got me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  For even though I was not able to give you the love that you both are so worthy of,

My love for you kept me alive, and always moving forward.

Zoe,

I named you after the Mother of God, the Life Giving Spring

As you gave me life that I had not known before – the life of a Mother – the Joy of being a mother, and the knowledge of the purest form of love there is.  I only knew it for a brief time, but the memory stayed with me always.  I mourned this loss for many years, and even though you may not have known it, I have loved you every second.  You have the gift of spirit, and the love in your heart for Me, has been the greatest gift you could ever give me, and it has been an honor to know you and see the woman that you are becoming.  I am so sorry that I was not able to be there when you needed me the most.  Causing you pain was never my intention, and I hope that you know just how much I love you, always.

I look forward to becoming a bigger part of your life, and sharing my experiences with you.

Madison,

You are joy in itself.  Just being around you is a Treat. 

Your Spirit brightens up the darkness of any cloud. 

You came unexpectedly – but so much needed.  I had lost my way, and you helped me find it.  God gave me you, and he entered my life through you.  Your love for me – your constant reminders have been messages that I so badly needed to hear – only it took me a while to listen.   I love you – and it has been you that has taught me how to find joy in my life.

You are named after Mary Magdeline – the Sister of the Mother of God.  You have always told me the truth – and kept me in check.  You have witnessed things in my life that no child should ever have to see – and I hope that as I heal, so will the memories of me hurting myself.  I pray that I will be able to give you the unconditional love that you have always had for me, and that you will always know how special you are.

I hope to be an example to you both of what a Mother IS, and that by my own journey, you will learn how find and seek  true ,and KNOW what it means to truly love and respect yourself…and to love others as you would Yourself.

For you both have the Spirit of love within you, and are by definition, what love is.

Thank you both.

I love you,

Mom

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Redemption

A letter to my father

‘Dad’

It’s been nearly 20 years since the last time I saw you,  and 13 since we have had any contact.

It’s been 35 years since you left me that day, never to return again. 

My entire life, until recently has been full of sorrow, pain, and torment.  I have suffered more than any child , woman, or man should ever have to. 

You raped me.  You killed the spirit I once had.  Your actions.  Your selfishness.  Your needs…took away from me my innocence, my purity.

 You stole it, and you had NO right to take it from me.  It was MINE, and for ME.

I want you to know the ramifications of your actions.  I want you to know exactly what you did to me, and how horrific it is.  I have suffered.  I have hurt myself in ways that NO ONE deserves – even the most evil on this earth do not deserve the punishment I bestowed upon myself.  I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I have spent 20 years of my life dead, buried alive in the soils of guilt, shame, fear, and neglect…and it is YOU that shoveled the dirt.

YOU robbed me of my life.  You stole my innocence.   You took my body, when it was not yours to have.  You took advantage of my goodness, my love for YOU, and you used it get what you wanted, as a thief in the night.

I have punished myself, for YOUR actions.  I have hurt myself on behalf of you.  Every day, I have relived what you did to me.  I cut myself open and you did, when you entered my body.  I have bled the blood that ran down my legs.  I have felt the pain that you inflicted upon me.  I have suffocated myself as you did, when you were on top of me.  I have screamed out loud in my head as I did then, over and over and over every single day.

You ripped out my insides, cut me open and took with you my soul.  You left me bleeding, with an open wound, and no one to tend to it. 

My insides tangled and scarred. 

I have literally cut holes in my face and sew them back together trying to make myself whole again.

I have felt dirty and unworthy of God’s love.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I have born the consequences of YOUR actions. 

And now, it is your turn.  I am DONE punishing myself.  I have carried YOUR guilt long enough.  You can have it.

You earned it, not me.  It’s yours. 

I have taken back my life.

The truth shall set you free.

It took nearly 40 years for me to be able to see it.  Years I spent running away, because it was simply to horrific for me to see.   I have relived that day in every way possible.  .

I  loved you.  I trusted you. I needed you, and you used my love to hurt me.

My father raped me.  My daddy, who was supposed to love and protect me, raped me.  What kind of love is that? 

You lied to me.  You deceived me.  You manipulated me.

That is NOT love. 

You took my daughters’ mother away from them, as I was not able to give them the love that THEY so badly needed.  And you took my mother away from me, leaving her with her own void to fill.

I have been healed.  My broken heart is whole again, and my spirit lifted, as if risen from the dead. 

I have been granted wisdom through the love of God., and by his loving mercy,  He Himself has healed me.  My sorrow turned to joy, my pain and suffering now gone, I am alive, and filled with grace.  God’s mercy on me, his child.  The true unconditional love of a father, my True father.

I can forgive you, and wish you no harm.  I hope that you are able to ask for forgiveness yourself, as you also have within you the same spirit as I, as we are all created by God, and OF God. 

I pray that you will come to know this for yourself, as I have and that you will be set free from the prison I know you have lived in for so long. 

Evil made you do horrific things, but you are not evil. 

I still have love for you in my heart, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Truly, the Truth shall set YOU free.

Love,

Adie

Food for thought

When I met him, I was withered, having been betrayed by many and longing desperately to meet my Prince Charming, one who would truly love me, and more importantly, make me feel loved. 

We talked for hours on end, and he listened attentively as I opened my heart to him.  He, like me, had been through a lot, and we could relate to each others’ pain.  We just connected, on a very basic level, and as we grew close, I found myself more and more attracted to him. 

He was tall and handsome. He radiated manliness.  I was immediately attracted to him, like a magnet, I drew near, and the close I got, the stronger the pull.   

One night, as we were talking, our hands met, and before I knew it, we were tangled in a sea of passion.  It was intense, and unlike anything I had ever experience – it was hot, and we were on fire.  His kiss was deep and wild, and I was engulfed with passion.  It was pure and raw, and completely uninhibited.

His eyes pierced me with desire. He wanted me and I knew it.  I loved it, to feel his need, and when he laid his hands on me

I felt the waves of electricity flow through my body as if I had been lit on fire

And fire it was

I was dry as the desert, and my skin parched, and the heat sparked raging flames of desire fueled by my thirst

I had turned to dust, and the slightest wind was about to blow me away.  I was desperate for substance.  My life was empty, and I longed to be loved, to feel loved, and special. 

He was the answer to my prayers, my knight in shining armor, come to rescue me from my despair.

The flames of my desire for him were all consuming

I morphed into a famished beast, starving, and I attacked.  Biting away the raw meat as if I hadn’t eaten for months.  Licking furiously at his loins

He tasted GOOD

My mouth bathed in the taste of his skin, I could feel his pulse as I ripped into his thighs

The flavor of his body was intoxicating, and the pleasure I felt was pure ecstasy

My body convulsed in waves of pleasure that I had never even thought possible

Licking and biting the raw meat of his manhood I became a like wild animal

I devoured him.  I was insatiable.  With every bite I felt more alive. 

He nourished me, and fed me.  He was my elixir of pain, my cocktail of sensation and escape from the barren life I had known.

Together, we built an atomic bomb, feeding on itself and exploding with need. 

I would do anything for him.

He had brought me back to life, and I could not live without him,

He was the cure of all my ailments and he alone soothed my pain.   

He knew exactly what I needed.  He understood my suffering.  He had felt it himself.  He numbed my pain, and with him I no longer ached. 

I felt alive, but my life was dependant on his love.  I did not want to lose him.  I could not stand the thought.  With him, I felt complete.

He was possessive, and full of jealousy.   He said he didn’t trust me.  The slightest things made him angry, and his anger scared me…not because I was afraid of him, but because I was afraid of losing him. 

I could not bear it, to not have his pleasure, to return to my state of starvation as I had been before.

He feared that if I wandered too far from his grasp, he would lose me to another, and  

I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him.  I wanted him to need me as much as I needed him.  To love me as I loved him…unconditionally.  I had seen beauty in his soul, and knowing what lied within the walls of his insecurity and fear, I could not give up.  He was simply too magnificent, and I wanted to free him, to be the key that unlocked him from the prison I knew he was in.  I knew that once he realized that I was true, that he could trust me, and that I was everything he could ever want and more, our bond would be invincible.

As our relationship progressed, he gave just enough, but never enough.  He was constantly searching for a reason to doubt me – going through my things, and thinking that I was lying to him about where I was when I was away from him.   It was a game he played.  One minute we were close, and the next he was accusing me of betrayal and lies.  It was agony for me, as I was powerless.  I could not control his faulty beliefs.  But I wanted to.  I wanted more. I craved his touch.  I lived in the memory of his caress, and the ecstasy that went along with it, and I could not give up my attempts to win him over.

I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me.  I wanted him to give me that feeling of complete and absolute bliss all the time, I needed to feel his love, I craved it, and it ached in the deepest way.

I surrendered to his power. I gave him control, and he took it, greedily, and used it to tease me.

I did everything he asked.  My entire existence revolved around him, and earning his love. 

I made sacrifices on his behalf.  I worshiped him, and I laid down my life to serve him.  I gave up everything.  All I wanted to do was be with him, for him to touch me and make love to me as he had before.

But no matter how much I gave, no matter what I did, it was never enough, and he still couldn’t trust.  Without his trust, he couldn’t love me completely and he held back from me the love I had felt before.  I felt rejected, and it hurt.  I was deeply pained, and broken-hearted.  This caused me great sorrow, as I had truly done it all.  I did all he wanted, yet he still didn’t believe that I was faithful, that I loved him. 

What was I to do?  He was all I had, as I gave up my family and my friends for him.  I sacrificed time with my children, had given him money, sex, clothes, drugs – and my love – all of it went to him.  I had nothing left, and still neither he, nor I was satisfied.

I became depressed, miserable in my present state, yet he no longer provided refuge.  I was desperate, and I was draining slowly to empty.  I could feel the life seeping from my soul.  I had lost myself in him, and was floating alone in a sea of despair. 

He thought there was something wrong with me, and said I was crazy.  In my moments of sadness, he abandoned me, and I was all alone.

The waves of self-hatred and regret crashed on me like the tsunami, destroying all hope.

I drifted in the turbulence of torment, and struggled to stay afloat, flooded by the swells of my tears.  I was lost in the current, unable to see solid ground. 

I feared I would die, and was overcome with the regret of my life, and the position I was now in.

In a moment of sheer desperation, I called my mother.  I begged her to stay on the line as I cried hysterically.  Please don’t hang up, I begged.  I need help and I don’t know what to do!  I am scared, and I have no one. 

She listened as I bared my soul, revealed my weakness, and my regret.  The woman whom I had all but kicked out of my life, because of this man, was there for me.  She was the lifeline that delivered hope.

She reminded me of my faith.  That God could save me from the hell I was in, and as I listened to her, I began to feel calm, and a ray of hope shined forth deep within my soul. 

I remembered who I was, and who made me.  God created me and gave me life.  A God whose love for man allowed him to sacrifice his own Son for the salvation of all who believe in him. 

I have never doubted that God exists.  I doubted my ability to love him, and be worthy of his love.  I had lived a life of sin, and knowingly committed acts that were unpleasing to God; I had broken his commandments over and over again, deliberately in my attempts to find love and to feel loved.  But in this moment of sheer despair, as I listened to my Mother speak, I realized that I myself was a part of God, as he is my creator, and that I, at the very core of my existence, I AM LOVE, as God is within me and I in him.  With this realization, came my rescue.

In what now seems like a mere second in time, God himself reached in and pulled me from the fire.  He saved me. 

In my most wretched state, God did not abandon me.

I was filled with his loving mercy, and truly, grateful.  I felt his love for me throughout every cell, and my heart rejoiced in its glory.  Never have I known a love as powerful as this.  This love is glory, power, joy, strength, and freedom in itself.  It travels higher than any physical pleasure that I have ever known, and with it, there is no fear.

It is solid and it is everlasting and now, having experienced it for myself, there is no turning back.

All that I have ever wanted or needed I have, and it is all within me.  I am complete. 

I can now live my life as it was meant to be – full of joy.  I am alive and sharing life.  I am loved and able to love. 

I dedicate my life to God, and I strive daily to do his will, and I trust that he will guide me. 

There is absolutely no doubt, and as I look back on the events of my life, my past sorrows, and failed relationships, I realize that it is because I failed to trust in God, that I was led astray. 

This man, whom I loved so much, did not love me.  He couldn’t, because he had not love in his heart, as real love comes from God.  He despised God, and had closed the door for God to enter. 

But I still love him, because I have the love of God within me, and my love is real, unconditional, forgiving, and pure.  I do not judge or condemn.  I want for him to know this, and I ray that someday he will come to know this for himself, as even he is worthy of God’s love.

I was weak, vulnerable, and full of need. I searched in all the wrong places, yet, I was delivered here, where I am today, because of God’s love for me.  He wants me to be with him as he does everyone, and to live with him in Heaven.

I have looked demons in the eye, and they bowed down

I have seen the face of evil, and was protected

The devil wanted to take me